Try as I may to be the better person and feel otherwise, I cannot shake my disdain for homeless people. Okay, cue the cacophony of boos and hisses, label me a bad guy, and bemoan my incredible lack of compassion, but in my experience, very few of these people deserve my sympathy.
See, I’ve had some pretty infuriating run-ins with homeless people. Like the time I walked past a homeless guy who held a sign that read, “Even a smile will help.” After passing by and offering my smile, I learned the hard way that his sign should have read, “If you just smile, I’ll throw a jar of urine at you.”
Or the time I gave a homeless guy “the last fifty bucks he needed to buy a bus ticket to San Francisco to be with his family at Christmas.” Thirty minutes later, I walked by the same guy on the other side of the street. He was well into a brand new case of beer and asked me to help him with “the last fifty bucks so he could buy a bus ticket to San Francisco to be with his family at Christmas.” I told him that I just gave him fifty bucks. Then he started screaming that I ‘stop kicking him.’ So, it’s true, one rotten homeless guy can ruin the whole batch.
And just today, my wife and I took our daughter to see Santa Claus. As our little girl was sitting on Santa’s lap listing all of the things she expects to see on Christmas morning, a disheveled and drunk (are there any other kind?) homeless woman ambles up beside Santa and blurts out, “Are you gonna give me a home for Christmas, fat man?” Well, thank you, drunken street bitch for ruining my daughter’s magical holiday experience. On the way home, my daughter asked, “Why did that smelly lady want a home for Christmas?” My wife shot me a ‘careful-on-this’ look but I couldn’t help myself. I said, “Because she spends too much money on gutter wine and not enough on things like soap and buildings over her head.” Not my best work, I agree, but give me a break, I was pissed and put on the spot. Besides, it was fun watching my wife explain what gutter wine is.
The bottom line is that I think most homeless people are in the situation they’re in because they’re lazy. And I have no sympathy for lazy people. Sometimes they carry signs that say, “Will work for food.” That’s a lie. I dare you to hand them a job application. Sometimes they carry signs that say, “Vietnam vet. Please help.” That’s sad if it’s true, but in order to be a Vietnam vet, you need to be older than twenty-five. And rocking an iPod doesn’t necessarily scream poverty either. And the most consistent and manipulative message on homeless peoples’ signs reads: “God Bless.” I only smile when I see this and take solace in the fact that it’s less of a sign begging for money and more of a first-class ticket to hell.
So, as a rule, I do not give money to homeless people. I believe that giving them money only fosters more apathy on their part. I believe withholding a monetary reward for doing nothing will help them see what I see… that, despite their current situation, they have marketable skills that they're actively ignoring. Think about it. If you’re homeless and you’re out on a street corner every day begging for money; that shows dedication. And even though you’re not making a lot of money, you stick with it. And that shows persistence. Lastly, you have a dog that you support on virtually no income. And that shows responsibility. Dedicated, persistent, responsible? Call me crazy, but I can think of a few McDonalds managers would recognize those attributes and say, “You're hired!”
Not that I’d want your dirty hands making my burger, but with the money I’ve saved by withholding money from you and your homeless counterparts, I can enjoy a more upscale dining experience. Bon appétit.
See, I’ve had some pretty infuriating run-ins with homeless people. Like the time I walked past a homeless guy who held a sign that read, “Even a smile will help.” After passing by and offering my smile, I learned the hard way that his sign should have read, “If you just smile, I’ll throw a jar of urine at you.”
Or the time I gave a homeless guy “the last fifty bucks he needed to buy a bus ticket to San Francisco to be with his family at Christmas.” Thirty minutes later, I walked by the same guy on the other side of the street. He was well into a brand new case of beer and asked me to help him with “the last fifty bucks so he could buy a bus ticket to San Francisco to be with his family at Christmas.” I told him that I just gave him fifty bucks. Then he started screaming that I ‘stop kicking him.’ So, it’s true, one rotten homeless guy can ruin the whole batch.
And just today, my wife and I took our daughter to see Santa Claus. As our little girl was sitting on Santa’s lap listing all of the things she expects to see on Christmas morning, a disheveled and drunk (are there any other kind?) homeless woman ambles up beside Santa and blurts out, “Are you gonna give me a home for Christmas, fat man?” Well, thank you, drunken street bitch for ruining my daughter’s magical holiday experience. On the way home, my daughter asked, “Why did that smelly lady want a home for Christmas?” My wife shot me a ‘careful-on-this’ look but I couldn’t help myself. I said, “Because she spends too much money on gutter wine and not enough on things like soap and buildings over her head.” Not my best work, I agree, but give me a break, I was pissed and put on the spot. Besides, it was fun watching my wife explain what gutter wine is.
The bottom line is that I think most homeless people are in the situation they’re in because they’re lazy. And I have no sympathy for lazy people. Sometimes they carry signs that say, “Will work for food.” That’s a lie. I dare you to hand them a job application. Sometimes they carry signs that say, “Vietnam vet. Please help.” That’s sad if it’s true, but in order to be a Vietnam vet, you need to be older than twenty-five. And rocking an iPod doesn’t necessarily scream poverty either. And the most consistent and manipulative message on homeless peoples’ signs reads: “God Bless.” I only smile when I see this and take solace in the fact that it’s less of a sign begging for money and more of a first-class ticket to hell.
So, as a rule, I do not give money to homeless people. I believe that giving them money only fosters more apathy on their part. I believe withholding a monetary reward for doing nothing will help them see what I see… that, despite their current situation, they have marketable skills that they're actively ignoring. Think about it. If you’re homeless and you’re out on a street corner every day begging for money; that shows dedication. And even though you’re not making a lot of money, you stick with it. And that shows persistence. Lastly, you have a dog that you support on virtually no income. And that shows responsibility. Dedicated, persistent, responsible? Call me crazy, but I can think of a few McDonalds managers would recognize those attributes and say, “You're hired!”
Not that I’d want your dirty hands making my burger, but with the money I’ve saved by withholding money from you and your homeless counterparts, I can enjoy a more upscale dining experience. Bon appétit.
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