I Need A Shower...

Guess what my wife and I did this weekend. Romantic dinner for two? No. Movie night? (Obviously some of you did not read my “thoughts” on movie nights.) A great concert? Wrong again. Let me help you out because I sincerely doubt that you’ll guess this one. My wife and I went to a friend’s baby shower – a co-ed baby shower. Oh, you read that correctly. It’s a baby shower where both husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend are invited and expected to attend. And, guys, you better get ready because your turn is coming. Co-ed baby showers are all-the-ridiculous rage sweeping L.A. and other metropolitan areas around the country.

It’s bad enough that our wives and girlfriends have hi-jacked the word “co-ed” – a term that used to epitomize light, sexy fun. (Remember “co-ed dorms” or “co-ed pool parties” or “co-ed beach volleyball?” Yeah, well, thanks to co-ed baby showers, the blood is officially out of that penis.) But now the female ‘powers-that-be’ want to include us men in what was always intended to be a female-only tradition.

Prior to attending one myself, all the reports I got from my female friends was that baby showers are events that even they loathe attending, regardless of how close they are to the mom-to-be. The format is always the same… lame guessing games, forced fawning over the mom-to-be, all followed by two-plus hours of gift opening. By the time you get to your fourth set of burping cloths and seventh “Babies ‘R Us” gift certificate, you’re absolutely ready to kill yourself. But because the mom-to-be’s house was baby-proofed six months prior to junior arriving, there’s not a sharp object, mini-blind cord or available electrical outlet available to help ease your pain.

I guess my biggest beef with all of this is that I see it as an affront to manhood. It used to be that when our wife or girlfriend went to a baby shower, it gave us guys complete license to “be a guy” for the day. We’d watch a football game with our hand in our pants, foregoing a shower, drinking beer and loudly and proudly filling the room with our scent. Not anymore. Those glory days are over.

So, how’d we get here? The best I can figure… women finally realized that the tradition of the baby shower was sincerely overrated, and, because they were jealous of their husband’s/boyfriend’s “day off,” they decided to drag us into the fray to share their pain. And it is painful… Unless, of course, you enjoy playing games like “Guess The Baby Food,” where you pass around a half dozen jars of baby food with their labels removed, and whoever correctly guesses the most flavors, wins! (Yay!) Or how about “Pin The Baby On The Mommy” – a very clever twist on “Pin The Tail On The Donkey.” Hell, who needs that USC / UCLA game? I just planted my paper baby right on cardboard mommy’s uterus! (The poor sap next to my thought he won when he stuck his baby on mommy’s vagina. Sorry, numb-nuts that is not where the baby resides… You, sir, are a loser!)

Upon further reflection, I've changed my previous theory. See, guys will bring their competitive nature to everything they do. I believe that this is what our female counterparts are counting on. They know that someday soon, this competitiveness will lead to an all-out co-ed baby shower brawl and ruin someone’s special day. Word will then get out that co-ed baby showers are simply a bad idea. People could get hurt. This will end co-ed baby showers, and presumably – after trying and failing to regain traction – it will also kill ‘women-only’ baby showers.

Society would just go back to the basics… the bare bones. Mom and dad would start a baby registry and let the gifts flow in with no fanfare… but no bloodshed.

The problem is that we guys still lose. No “women-only” baby showers also means no more “Be-A-Guy” day. So, I suggest that we strike a deal, ladies. You promise to continue to sink your teeth into the dirty teething toy that is the women-only baby shower. And we guys promise that – after our ‘guy days,’ we’ll shower, clean up our mess and Fabreeze the living room before you get home. That seems fair.