A few years ago, we were all given the opportunity to put our home telephone numbers into something called the National Do Not Call Registry. It was simple. It sounded very official, and best of all, it felt very empowering.
What was most encouraging was that the National Do Not Call Registry actually seemed to have some teeth. Should you submit your number to the database and then receive a phone call from a telemarketer soliciting your business, your money or your time, the offending company could be held legally liable and punished accordingly. Yes, it really seemed like a legitimate way for the everyman to give telemarketers the collective middle finger.
So, I registered our telephone number. And I felt very satisfied. And I rested peacefully at night knowing that my telephone number was now safely protected on a federal government website. What could go wrong? Well, about three weeks later I received a phone call from a telemarketer ostensibly selling timeshares. His ‘hook’ – and there’s always a hook, because why else would we indulge these people – was to inform me that I had won a grand prize.
Now I may have grown up on a farm, but I did not just fall off the turnip truck. We all know that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Seriously, have you ever forwarded an email to everyone in your address book and waited in vain for “something really cool to happen." Never again, I tell you. (Oh, let me take this moment to apologize to, well, everyone in my address book.) Anyway, back to my story… So, I’m annoyed that this guy is interrupting our family dinner and just generally wasting my time, so I decided to have a little fun. The conversation went like this:
Me: “Really?! What’s that?”
Telemarketer: “Well, I’m calling on behalf of Ridiculous Timeshares Inc. (Not their real name) and you have won a grand prize in our sweepstakes!”
Me: “Wow, I don’t even remember signing up for sweep steaks. But I do love red meat!”
Telemarketer: “No, Mark, not steaks like you eat. A sweepstakes. You are eligible for one of our grand prizes: a 2007 Ford F-150, a big screen TV, or a $200 travel voucher!”
Me: “What?! I won a brand new pickup truck?! Oh, my God!!”
Telemarketer: “No, Mark, you have won one of our grand prizes, but you won’t know what it is until you attend our Grand Prize Winners Timeshare Seminar this weekend in sunny San Diego, California!”
Me: “No, that’s okay. I don’t need to do all that. I’ll take the pickup!” (Then I pretend to call off to my wife) “Honey, we just won a pickup! Woo-hoo!”
Me: “If I have a pickup, you don’t have to give me the other stuff. Oh, thank you so much!”
Telemarketer: “You’re not understanding me, sir—”
Me: “Oh, wait, I think I do. Do I have to come and get the pickup? Because we could arrange that? I mean, it’s a free pickup, right?”
Telemarketer: “Sir, the pickup is not a sure thing.”
Telemarketer: “Sir—”
Me: “It’s Mark. You can call me Mark. Thank you so much for this! I have never won anything in my life!”
Telemarketer: “No, wait. You are simply eligible for a grand prize. You have to come to San Diego and come to our seminar, then we let you know what you’ve won!”
Me: “But you said I was a grand prize winner.”
Me: “Is this because I seemed less than excited about the pickup being a foreign job? Because it’s not really that big of a deal.”
Me: “Wait. Huh? But I thought you said I did.”
Telemarketer: “No, you don’t understand how this works. I’m sorry. Have a nice day.”
Me: “No, please, just tell me what I need to do to get the pickup, man.”
Me: “Whoa, me? You’re the guy who said I won a pickup, now you’re going back on your word. Not cool, dude.”
Telemarketer: “Whatever.”
Me: “Hold on, one more thing… How does it feel to have a moron waste your time?”
Me: “You have a nice day. Oh, and take me off your call list.... unless you really have a pickup to give me.”
So, the Do Not Call Registry may not have worked for me, but I have say… if I got as much enjoyment out of every telemarketing call, who needs it? You should really try it sometime. It's truly cathartic.
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